The Basics of Dealing with Long Distance BDSM Relationships

 

“How can we maintain our Master/Mistress and submissive relationship if we are apart?”

 

I’ve heard this question more than a few times – either from partners that travel, temporarily lives apart, or operate strictly online etc.

 

The good news is that with a little trust (and help with modern technology) it can be quite easy.

 

 

1. DISCUSS EVERY POSSIBILITY


 

The first step is the same step for any BDSM dynamic – communication. Sit down with your partner and discuss EVERYTHING that could be considered an issue.

 

  • What time difference are you dealing with?
  • How often do you need to be apart?
  • What equipment are you working with?
  • What current rules might conflict with out-of-town systems?
  • What punishments/rewards have to be adapted?
  • What level of discreetness needs to be respected?
  • What happens during social engagement?
  • What are the morning/afternoon/evening rituals?

 

 

2. PUT A (FLEXIBLE) PLAN INTO PLACE   


 

After you’ve talked about the details of your long-distance situation, WRITE your plan down – including PLAN Bs for everything. Keep in mind, however, the beginning of your journey will be a little rocky, and your plan will need to evolve as new situations unfold.

 

 

3. USE THE TECH AT HAND


 

With all the Skype-like tools at our fingertips, there’s no reason you can’t “be there” during important moments.  There’ phone calls for chatting, video calls to watch your sub complete tasks, photos to provide proof etc.

 

 

4. USE A JOURNAL


 

Have your submissive write a journal of their daily activities – in relation to their everyday life and their BDSM one. This is a great communication tool, but a valuable insight for Doms to spot any potential issues.

 

 

5. KEEP THEM BUSY


 

  • Make a list of tasks your sub has to perform – they remain busy/active and can text/photo you the proof of completion.
  • Be part of their rituals or submissive routines.
  • Have them keep a blog (this can tie in with their journal).
  • Have them think of punishments and rewards.
  • Surprise them with activities or tasks during unexpected timed.
  • Maintain whatever “education” the sub partakes in.
  • Keep up their fitness and health routines.
  • Make them put on a wearable sex toy and control it through your phone.

 

Here are some wearable, smartphone-controlled toy ideas here:

Lovense Remote Teledildonics

 

 

6. ESTABLISH TRUST


 

There will always be moments where your sub isn’t with you and MUST make an at-the-moment decision. This could be something that affects the security of their job, being revealed, physical health, or general safety etc.

 

In cases like these, no matter what the outcome (if the scenario hasn’t been discussed ahead of time), Dominants should NEVER get angry if the subs decision wasn’t something the Dom wouldn’t have chosen. Instead, the Dom should acknowledge that it was an unforeseen event, discuss what needs to be done next time, and add it to the list of behaviors.

 

 

7. TAKE EXTRA CARE WITH PUNISHMENTS


 

It’s already an area that needs special treatment, but when you’re not there to administer or observe things directly, make sure you give extra time to whatever communication occurs before/during/after punishments.

 

 

8. DEAL WITH SUB DROP CAREFULLY


 

This goes by a few terms, but “sub drop” basically means their body is being overloaded with lots of natural chemicals and/or emotions. This can manifest in laughter, crying, shaking, body temperature changes, painful loneliness etc. – and it’s not something to mess around with or take lightly.

 

This is where AFTERCARE becomes SO important.

 

Make sure that, after any long-distance BDSM play, you stay online/on the phone/on video with your sub long enough to make sure that they are fine and ready to move on with their day or go to sleep. After that, check in with them the next day to make sure they’re still okay.

 

 

SPECIAL CASE: CHASITY


 

This is one of the trickier ones – especially if you want to lock your sub in for long periods of time.

 

The problem with this and long-distance play is twofold…

 

One, cages need a weekly cleaning – where it’s taken off, washed thoroughly, and the body inspected for any chaffing, cuts etc. Two, there are unforeseen circumstances where the cage might need to be removed for health/safety reasons.

 

This is where the SUB’s key comes into play. 

 

Yes, submissives should always have a backup key (or way of getting out of their device quickly).

 

Now, before the Doms out there start freaking out, remember we live in the magical world of technology … where electronic timer-locks or lock boxes exist.

 

  • When it comes to cleaning, a Dom can watch over video (if they insist on being 100% in control of every step). Or the sub can send photos.

 

  • In the case of emergencies, subs should call/text immediately (or as soon as humanly possible) to tell their Dom what happened. After that, the Dom should deal with the situation appropriately and compassionately then put a new plan into place (if possible) to deal with any future occurrences or ways to avoid a repeat of this situation.

 

 

EXAMPLE SCENARIO – THE AIRPORT 


 

This one came from a reader and I thought it was a good point to cover.

 

If your sub has to travel and must always wear a chastity belt … how do they go through airport security?

 

Some might suggest just leaving it on.

 

I would point out that airports are no place to mess around. Even if the idea of public humiliation is something that turns on you and your sub, the airport workers are not in a position to consent to your play as they’re watching you through x-ray scans or performing pat-downs.

 

And the “they’ve seen everything” isn’t an excuse.

 

What would I do?

 

I would make my sub take off their chastity belt in a bathroom – just before going through security. Take a proof-of-action photo (or video) then stash it in their carry-on. After they clear security, go to the nearest washroom and put it back on – with another proof-of-action photo.

 

Wash, rinse and repeat for any layovers etc.

 

This not only adds a layer of safety to their travels, but it can also be viewed as a fun submissive activity that reminds them of their Dom’s ownership.

 

HOWEVER, if you’re hell-bent on leaving the cage on, I would suggest finding an all-plastic belt with a plastic lock or zip tie – at least that way you won’t set off the metal detectors.

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

Long-distance BDSM relationships aren’t all that different from in-person ones. They just need some extra time, care, and patience.

 

Any other ideas you want to add? Share in the comments!

 

Also, if you liked this article, you might enjoy these…

 

 

Have a kinky day!

Robyn

Mots clésLong Distance BDSM

Comments (1)

  1. Alex wright says:

    I am having a lot of fun testing these out on my sub thanks for the tips!

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